a long night

I’m lying in bed.
I’m awake.
My eyes are open.
It’s dark.
The cicadas are deafening.
Close your eyes.
Go back to sleep.
Ideas. Thoughts. Mind racing.
Racing. Racing. Racing.
Ideas. Images. Thoughts.
Memories of the past?
Close your eyes.
Images.
Dreams of the future?
Go back to sleep.
I’m still awake.
Racing. Racing.
House. Work. Racing.
Past? Future? Present?
Shut your mind.
Racing. Racing.
Things I wish I had said.
Doubts.
Things I want to say.
Images. Ideas. Thoughts.
Shouting.
Racing.
Things I’ll never say.
Doubts. Apprehension. Questions.
My eyes are shut.
I’m awake.
Racing.
Visions are deafening.
The clock shouts as the numbers silently change.
I’m still awake
Racing. Racing.
Images. Technicolor. Stereo surround-sound.
Thoughts.
The cicadas and I are awake.
It’s dark.
I can hear the silent clock tick, tick, tick…
Mind racing. Racing.
Only fifteen minutes have passed since the last time I looked.
Quit looking!
It only makes it worse.
Thoughts. Demons. Thieves.
It’s getting light out.
Thoughts.
Racing.
The alarm goes off. Another day.
I’ll sleep better tonight?

Deck

I know it's been a little boring, reading about my the progress on the deck. Bear w/ me just a little bit more and I promise to abuse you no more.

Its complets. This afternoon I put the last piece of material in place w/ the last screw.

I put all the tools away.

I put my orchids and plants back on the deck where they belong.

It's not completely finished. I need to run electricity to it for lights and hot tub (I have to hire this out, I've already talked to an electrician). I need to mount all my bird feeders. I need to buy and install the hot tub. Note the new patio door and windows I installed this summer

Tomorrow afternoon (Monday) I'm going to another hot tub place to see what they have to offer.

Deck Progress

Work on the deck is going well. All the concrete is formed and poured. All the frame is complete. All the decking is in place. All of the steps are in place. Steps are as close to rocket science as I ever want to get!

I built the first 8-foot section of railing and didn't like it. Too obtrusive. I've got to have a railing but I want it to be as minimal as possible and still function. I don't want anybody to lean against it and fall through it or lose their balance and fall over it. A conundrum. Plan B is less obtrusive but still effective.

Tomorrow I go to another local hut tub place to do a little comparison shopping. Then it's back to the deck to build the railing.

Things I've Learned...

I travel all over the state with my new job. In the morning as I leave town I always listen to NPR. Unfortunately, as I get further from town, I lose the signal. It eventually gets so bad that I turn it off. I try scanning other stations to see if there's anything worth listening to. Typically there isn't so I turn off the radio. Then my mind takes over. I solve the world's problems. I think about things. Sometimes its maddening what I think about. Sometimes it's reflective. Lately, it's involved a lot of reflection.

She taught me things. Things about plants, oil paintings, birds, caring, etc. Our relationship also taught me things. Something I now know that I didn't know before was that I need someone in my life to share things with.

We did all the standard "couple" things. We went to movies, concerts, ran errands, had little adventures, a few big adventures, a few getaways together, and a few projects. All priceless experiences.

Before her, it had been a long, long time since I had thought about those things. Maybe I had forgotten about them.

Now, I've come to realize those are the best things. The times when you can share things with someone you have something in common with. You share the experience, talk about it, you reminisce together. Use the memories to plan future events. Those are the best of times.

To share experiences with someone. That's what I will miss the most. The ache for her is gone. That's over. The ache for someone to share things with has supplanted those feelings.

Is anyone out there?

Is anyone out there?

I can't prove it.

New Happy Place

I have a new happy place. A place where sounds and sights and temporal sensations lull me to calm. I’ve needed this but didn’t know it. The last two months have been rough. Things are better now, not perfect, but better.

I’ve been building a new deck. The original deck had to go so I could have siding installed on the house. I spent a lot of time on the old deck: coffee on weekend mornings, a glass of whiskey and a cigar in the evenings, a place to veg after work. I’ve spent a lot of time replacing the deck and will spend more before the project is complete.

The work has been hard as I have had no “friends” to help. I cant tell you how many times I have arranged for “friends” to help only to find, at the last minute, that they had to shampoo their parrots, go to daughter’s friend’s weddings, etc. The list of excuses is as long as your arm. The lack of help has forced me to take extra steps. What I’ve been able to accomplish in a month could have been done in two weeks with help. It has literally been brains over matter. The good thing is that my brains have been able to trick the matter into acquiescing.

This morning I hit the lumberteria at 7:30 am. I purchased a truckload of lumber. After staging the lumber in the back yard I got to work. Mind you, there had been much accomplished on the new deck before this morning, but something was different.

I quit work at 4:00 pm cleaned up and moved tools into the house. I took a shower and ate the obligatory two Advil (MIRICALE DRUG). I then poured myself a cocktail and repaired to my lounge chair on the deck.

As I sat there listening to the sounds around me and seeing the sights, I could sense the stress flow away from me. Interstate 30 is a constant dull roar, almost background noise. The train rumbles through town to the west and blows its horn when it comes to the crossing. An occasional small airplane from the local airport buzzes overhead.

The tree frogs chirp. The cicadas add their rhythmic song. Birds sing their evening choruses. My dog paces back and forth.

I see the trees; a world of trees. Different kinds: oaks, pines, dogwoods, and hickories. Their leaves and needles different tints of green, different textures, different shapes.

The next thing I know, I wake up and it’s dark. I had probably slept for three hours. I don’t ever recall being so relaxed, so at ease, so calm.

This is my new happy spot. The next time I get stressed, I’ll shut my eyes and still m mind and go to my deck.

I truly wish everybody could have a such a great happy place.

Prophetic?

Tonight I tried to delete the file that held all the photos I'd taken of my ex and her daughter, dogs, grandchildren, etc. My computer told me they were read only files and I didn't have rights to delete them.

I guess I'll have to resort to DOS prompt.

Happiness Commandments

I saw this first on a blog I accessed through huffpost. No rules, plagerism is fine if it works for you. Change is fine. I printed this out and have it hanging on the wall of my office. I glance at it periodically through the week and it sometimes helps cut through the fog. sometimes it's easier than other times, sometimes it's a no-brainer.

1. Relax.
2. Follow through.
3. Laugh at myself.
4. Do the hard part first.
5. Open up.
6. Cut your losses.
7. Be a steward.
8. Listen and learn.
9. Ask questions.
10. Stand up for me.
11. Dream.
12. Be a kid.

9/15/08
No work since the 10th so the concrete could cure and Ike could pass through.

Bought two 2 x 12s this afternoon for the stair stringers. Pushed them up to the deck, laid them out, and cut them on sawhorses. It’s a REAL treat to have a large, flat, level surface to do work like this. I also attached the brace on the bottom that will be screwed to the 4 x 4 posts and attached the temporary 2 x 4 to the top. Tomorrow (if I get back from business trip at a decent hour) I’ll cut the 4 x 4 to length to install as the top of the north stair rail. Maybe on Wednesday I’ll get the stair set mounted in place; will need friends for this. This will allow me to start on the frame for the hot tub platform.

After work and clean up was accomplished I had a treat: whiskey on the deck under the stars. It could be better, but I realize lately that perfection is out of reach.

I love it when a plan comes together (sometimes it surprises me, but I still love it)

9/16/08
Finished the basic frame for the first section of steps. Got the final 4 x 4 post for the north side of the steps mounted and all the posts on the main deck cut for height. I started to clean up and looked at the step frame and looked at the place where the steps were to be mounted and scratched my head and figured out how to do it.

I lowered the frame over the side of the deck and attached a series of ropes and ratchet straps so I could force it up against to the side of the deck and the two west posts. I then propped up the east end of the frame to bring it to level and screwed the west end of the frame to the posts, again checking for level. Once the west end was tight I fine tuned the level and plumb and attached the two east 4 x 4 posts. All worked out well.

Tomorrow I hope to start the frame for the hot tub platform.

9/17/08
Got the tub platform frame built.

I'm probably boring you w/ al the deck construction stuff.

Tell me.

more deck work

8/25/08
More progress. Got the deck on the steps screwed down. Mowgli used the back door for the first time in two days. Still can’t get to the ground: no steps yet and he won’t use the ladder. I now have about 30% of the Choicedek screwed down and another 60% of the loose boards loaded onto the deck.

I really have to cut the 4 X 4 braces and screw them into place. Now that I have walkable surface in place I realize that the deck wobbles a little east to west at the far south edge. The braces will solve that.

I can close my eyes and imagine the finished product. I wish I had someone to share it with.

9/7/08
Took some time off. Went to Missouri for Dad’s 80th birthday over Labor Day weekend and then the remnants of Hurricane Gustaf hit. Went to Weldon for opening of dove season on 9/6. I had planned on hunting in the morning and coming back to hit the deck. They talked me into hunting Saturday afternoon and spending the night.

I bundled up this morning and came back to the house. I was cutting the choicedek to go around the center posts by 11:00 am. Worked until 5:30 then did some cleanup. Got all the decking attached to the frame and beefed up the south face of the frame: more screws in boards I had only used one on. Not all the pieces completely screwed down, but enough to get a look at the whole 16’ x 20’ surface.

Used the screw gun quite a bit. Once you get the hang of it, it works pretty well. Have to be careful not to over power the gun right off the bat; too easy to strip the drive hole in the screw. DeWalt works ok but need to recharge the batteries too often. They may be wearing out.

Tomorrow night I’ll finish screwing down phase one, cut the east and west edges, and will probably buy lumber for step stringers. I’ll try to get my final measurements for the steps tomorrow.

The sooner I get the steps completed, the sooner Mowgli can have his back yard back.
Dove opener was very good. Dove breasts rolled in melted butter, add ½ inch of chardonnay (you’d be happy to drink), a little salt and pepper, and bake for one hour at 350. Made a way good sauce from the drippings and served over Arkansas basmati rice. BON APPETITE!

9/8/08
Got the last of the screws in the 16’ x 20’ deck. Got the ends trimmed off and cut the hole for the stair post. Tomorrow I start laying out the footings for phase 2, another 12’ x 12’. I think I’ve got the plan down, I need to work a little on the elevations to finalize everything. I’ll probably need some more choicedek before I’m finished. I think I need 24 16-foot pieces and only have 14: another $300.

9/9/08
Started prep work for pouring the footings. I laid out lines marking the centers of the next six posts and started digging holes. Something didn’t look right. Measurements and holes weren’t jibing. Kept checking the plans and started to question my calculations. Ended up in frustration and a couple cans of beer.

9/10/08
Recalculated all my calculations and I wasn’t in as bad shape as I thought I was. All I had to do was modify a couple holes then all was well. I poured 800 pounds (dry-weight) of concrete and quit. Concrete will cure through the upcoming weekend while I go dove hunting. Sunday should be a wash anyway; they’re predicting we’ll get hit w/ the remnants of hurricane Ike.

8/23/08
Today was a good day! It started out questionably but improved. The coffee maker kicked off at 6:30 am. So did the rain. I had only planned on half a pot of coffee, but when I finished that and it was still raining, I put on another pot. The 20% chance of rain for today turned out to be a freak front that stalled right over my house. I think I had close to ½ inch of rain. It began to let up around 10:00 am so I loaded my buckets w/ tools and hit the back yard.

First thing I had to do was tear apart the old steps, the last vestige of the old deck. That old treated lumber is slicker than owl snot when it gets wet. It’s a miracle I never busted my ass from slippin’ on it. It’s way too wet to burn. It’ll have to stop rainin’ for a while to dry that old lumber out enough to get it lit.

I installed the center brace and attached the east and west sides together. Then I finished setting the joist hangers, cut the joists to 192 inches, and set them on top of the center brace and into the joist hangers. I then mounted the outside face to the 4 X 4 posts and to the ends of the joists. All the while checking the posts, brace, and joists to make sure they’re all square and true to the earth. The hydraulic jack helped true everything up at the end of the day. It’s starting to look like a deck. As I finished cleaning up it started to rain.

I realize this is hard to fathom in writing. Basically I connected the north side of a box to the house. Then I built the east and west sides and connected them to the house as well. Then I connected the east and west sides together down the middle. Then I added the joists between the east and west sides (every 16 inches) then I installed the south side and appropriate 4 x 4 post. The ankle bone is connected to the knee bone, the knee bone is connected to the....

Once again, being without help forced me to make a lot of extra moves and accomplish extra steps. I managed, and the frame for the primary deck is complete. Tomorrow I’ll hit Lowes and buy the rest of the stainless screws I’ll need to attach the Choicedek and start stacking the decking on the frame. I may even have time to attach some of the decking. I’ll also get some more 4 X 4 and some heavy screws so I can make some braces for the posts and frame. This sucker is going to be sturdy.

There’s always a price to pay. As I sit and rest, I get REAL stiff. I took a couple Advil (miracle drug!) an hour ago. I’ll take a couple more before bed. I should be able to walk tomorrow without crying like a baby. As much as it hurts, I’m really going to enjoy my new deck.

8/24/08
More progress. Went to Lowes and got lumber for step from deck to house and more 4 X 4s for the braces, and $65 dollars worth of 2 ¼” stainless, trim-head screws. I went to Randall’s and borrowed his screw gun. Screw gun works great, but takes a good deal of finesse. I used it to put the platform together for the step but stuck w/ my 18 volt DeWalt to put the stainless screws into the deck. I got almost ¼ of the deck installed and the platforms installed. Next will be to add decking to the platform, then I’ll be able to use my backdoor again. No steps in the near future, but soon.

I’ll be able to get some work done in the evenings this week if the remnants of Fay don’t hit. I’ll take next weekend off so I can go to Missouri for Dad’s 80th birthday. The weekend after that I’ll take off for the opening of dove season.

The Breakup

It’s better to have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all.

For some reason I hear that in Ronald Coleman’s voice. It may be true, but I wonder. Is it the mere experience of the deep relationship that love should be that is the valuable thing? Are the memories that linger after the relationship dies what makes it better to have experienced it? Maybe only Ronald Coleman knows. Having just lost a relationship I’m trying to figure this out.

I can’t tell you when we really started the relationship. It may have been the Sting concert in St. Louis. I know I chased her for years like my dog chases a tennis ball. I wrote to her and sent cards but I don’t have copies of them so I can’t date them. I blogged about her visiting me in July, 2005. I have correspondence from her but none of it’s dated. Actually, I had correspondence. It all went in the trash this morning. All the talk about being her “Zen hugger”, leaving her breathless and her loving me seemed pretty vacuous this morning

I’ll grant freely that living in different cities, four hundred miles apart was taxing on our relationship. Weekends together were great. To top that off, when I could travel north I felt compelled to share the time with my Father. It was hard. I remember being accused once of only seeing her as a side trip while visiting him. That hurt. I guess in the end, she needed more from a man than I could provide from seven hours south. It was hard.

In the end, I fought harder than her to keep us alive and finally realized it. I’d call and leave messages and she wouldn’t return the calls. I realize now, that was her way of ending our relationship. Avoidance. If you don’t feed and water a plant it will eventually, quietly die.

We would remain friends she said, after all, our families have ties that go back years and years and years. I believed it for a week. I called one Sunday evening before she left for a trip out west. She answered with the most cheerful, happy voice I’d heard from her in ages. She was eating dinner and would call me back. I waited. She never called. If this is friendship, I prefer my dog.

I’ve been lonely before. I’ve not done things that I didn’t want to do alone. When we were together, even though miles apart, I never felt lonely. Now, having experienced love and lost, the loneliness seems compounded. A friend told me to pretend I was happy. I tried it. It didn’t work. I think this is a better approach when you have an audience to be happy for.

Ronald Coleman was full of shit.

House Work

Last summer I remodeled a bathroom. It started out as a project to place a medicine cabinet on the wall above the lavatory. Next thing you know I'm installing bead-board, a new vanity, bamboo flooring, and a new man-toilett (more on this at a later date). At times it was the project from hell.

This summer I installed eight new windows, a front door, and a patio door (all myself!). I hired an outfit to install siding on the house and had a new roof installed. To have the siding installed I had to tear down the old deck. As soon as the roof was installed I started construction of the new deck, keeping a diary of the work. I'll add installments from time to time. Here's the first.

8/22/08
Tonight I only stayed a few minutes after work. Bought a box of beer on the way home and picked up some screws and a bib apron w/ pockets.

Once upon a time, when you went to your local hardware store they’d give you a hat or an apron w/ their logo on it as a gesture of goodwill. The bonus for them was a little free advertising and a happy customer that was bound to come back. The guy who handed you your apron or hat was most likely the store owner, or he’d been told by the owner to hand them out for any order over $???. Today, the store owner is 20 people on a board of directors who’ve probably never been to the store you frequent let alone the city you live in. The store manager is so wound up with meeting quotas and sales targets that he’s not giving ANYTHING away for free. You’re lucky to find someone in one of the “big box” stores that can help you find the 2 ¼” stainless #7 trim head, square drive screws you need let alone help you load $200 worth of lumber into the back of your truck. Does the lack of personal contact and goodwill make up for a small reduction in price? I guess change is not entirely a good thing.

I digress.

I got home, changed clothes, and started haulin’ tools to the back yard. The help I had arranged for decided they had better things to do tonight so I was on my own. Trust me, I’m extremely careful. I realize that I’ll be older on my next birthday and that I can hurt myself if I’m not careful. I hate it when that happens. So, instead of having four hands I had to make do w/ two and tax my gray matter a little more. It just takes a little extra time and a few extra “key strokes”. Gray matter did well this evening and is already plotting for tomorrow.

I got the two side pieces mounted to the ledger board and two 4 X 4 posts mounted to them. I also got the joist hangers mounted to the ledger board. It didn’t rain, but the humidity was pretty high. After three hours I was soaked to the bone. Tomorrow I hope to connect the side together with the center post and braces and to start loading in the 2 X 4 x 16 joists.

The only hitch is the old steps. They have to go first thing tomorrow. Once they go I’ve got to make pretty good time getting things back together. I’m glad we’ve had so much rain lately because they’ve lifted the burn ban. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to burn the last of the old deck this weekend. I should go out and get some marshmallows and hot dogs.

Once again, I'm back

No more rants. No more political diatribes. I won't promise an absence of blues once in a while, but I will do my best to keep it to a minimum. Life's too short.

I need to write to clear my mind. It's a form of catharsis for me. A kind of therapy. In the process of massaging words into thoughts I can tie to I can ease a few troubles, calm some frazzled nerves, and exercise a demon or two. I'll try my best not to bore you.

Thanks for droppin' in.

Twelve people I want to spend the weekend with

Rules:
1. No family members. It’s a given we would love to have one more talk with loved ones who have passed on.
2. No deities: God, Buddha, Ah Kin, Vishnu, Jesus, Mohammad, Krishna, the Holy Ghost, Odin, Gaia, Nanook, Inari, Zeus, etc. It’s too much of a cliché, no free passes.
3. Living or deceased is fine. If the person is living, go talk to her or him immediately and tell them why they’re on your list!
4. No order of importance/preference intended.
5. Your list is constantly subject to change.

Mark Twain – a man who questioned God’s “gift” of famine, mosquitoes, cancer, etc.
Keith B. Royes, Sr. P.H.D. – a Socratic educator who exposed many to learning if only they were willing to participate.
Mother Theresa – to learn the value of selflessness.
Randall Hall – a friend who has taught me how to work and how to laugh and who has helped me in ways too numerous to count.
Abraham Lincoln – a man who forced his country to hold fast to unity and who heard the common voice against slavery and took action to end it.
Pete Seeger – to learn the joy of music and singing and the power of speaking out against wrong.
Lana Meyer – my dearest friend.
Pan – WOOWHOOOOO!!!.
Leonardo da Vinci – an artist and inventor whose ideas were far ahead of his time.
Katherine Hepburn – a woman whose characters on film had to have come from deep inside her.
Aldo Leopold – he taught us to observe our environment and our impacts on it.
Thunder Traveling to the Loftier Mountain Heights – On October 5, 1877, thinking of the future of his people, he said, “I will fight no more forever.”
Alobar – a man who decided to quit aging and who lived for ages.

Sorry, I cheated. There are 13 people of on my list of twelve, one is fictitious but with whom I would still love to chat.

New rules:

6. Include any number of people who touch you enough to warrant inclusion in your list. The one caveat is to think of them daily and live your life in a way they would respect.

7. Fictitious individuals are approved as long as they don’t fall in the deity category, see Rule 2.