I live in a wonderful place.
There are no home invasion robberies here because EVERYBODY owns at least one gun. I think they check potential residents at the county line to make sure they’re armed. If we’re ever invaded by a foreign power, Saline County, Arkansas will be the heart of the insurgency.
I can burn brush in my back yard without the threat of the pollution police hassling me. "Hold my beer and watch this" is my neighborhood motto.
Just last night my choice to move here those years ago was reinforced by a poignant tableau across the street. The fat guy was showing his EXTREMELY pregnant wife how to mow the lawn. He had a beer in one hand and was pointing with the other, all the while barking instructions. This is America.
Have you ever seen the television series “COPS”? Periodically I can watch it live while sitting on my front porch. The fat guy’s next-door neighbors have proven to be very entertaining. It’s an amorphous extended family including boy friends, kids, in-laws, outlaws, you name it. They put republican campaign signs in their yard. When the weather warms up so do the passions. I’ve seen ‘em brawlin’ on the front yard in a pile that would make procreatin’ snakes jealous. Boy friends, kids, in-laws, outlaws, dogs, etc all flailin’ around, cussin’, and scratchin’ and caterwallin’ and knockin’ down their Bush/Cheney signs. I’ve got a chair on my front porch so I can sit and watch. It’s free entertainment and better than TV. Larry the Cable Guy must live on my street. This truly is America.
Our neighborhood, more precisely the street I live on, had a tradition of lining the street with luminaires for two nights prior to Christmas. Everybody lined their street frontage with a candle in a bag every five feet. House decorations were mandatory. I usually plugged in the lights I put up several years ago to ensure all the bulbs were working. One year my neighbor decided to do it up right. He parked his bass boat in the front yard and put a string of fish silhouettes in front of it. The lead fish had a red light on its nose. He spray painted some garbage bags full of crumpled newspaper red to resemble bags of toys and placed these in the back of the boat. He rented a Santa Clause suit and sat in the boat and waved to folks as they slowly drove by ogling the luminaires and house decorations. It being a somewhat chilly night and the Santa Claus suit not providing adequate insulation, my neighbor decided to provide liquid insulation in the form of a brand new bottle of Old Grand Dad. The BIG bottle. He’d take a little sip for every second or third car full of oglers. After a while he took a sip every time we waved. Eventually he was inviting passersby to pull over and join him. I think a few took him up on it. At this point he was well beyond sipping. The next morning as I was leaving for work I noticed him curled up contentedly in amongst the toy bags snoring up a storm. His bottle of liquid fortification was lying on the ground with only the aroma of its past contents remaining. God Bless America.
I can burn brush in my back yard without the threat of the pollution police hassling me. "Hold my beer and watch this" is my neighborhood motto.
Just last night my choice to move here those years ago was reinforced by a poignant tableau across the street. The fat guy was showing his EXTREMELY pregnant wife how to mow the lawn. He had a beer in one hand and was pointing with the other, all the while barking instructions. This is America.
Have you ever seen the television series “COPS”? Periodically I can watch it live while sitting on my front porch. The fat guy’s next-door neighbors have proven to be very entertaining. It’s an amorphous extended family including boy friends, kids, in-laws, outlaws, you name it. They put republican campaign signs in their yard. When the weather warms up so do the passions. I’ve seen ‘em brawlin’ on the front yard in a pile that would make procreatin’ snakes jealous. Boy friends, kids, in-laws, outlaws, dogs, etc all flailin’ around, cussin’, and scratchin’ and caterwallin’ and knockin’ down their Bush/Cheney signs. I’ve got a chair on my front porch so I can sit and watch. It’s free entertainment and better than TV. Larry the Cable Guy must live on my street. This truly is America.
Our neighborhood, more precisely the street I live on, had a tradition of lining the street with luminaires for two nights prior to Christmas. Everybody lined their street frontage with a candle in a bag every five feet. House decorations were mandatory. I usually plugged in the lights I put up several years ago to ensure all the bulbs were working. One year my neighbor decided to do it up right. He parked his bass boat in the front yard and put a string of fish silhouettes in front of it. The lead fish had a red light on its nose. He spray painted some garbage bags full of crumpled newspaper red to resemble bags of toys and placed these in the back of the boat. He rented a Santa Clause suit and sat in the boat and waved to folks as they slowly drove by ogling the luminaires and house decorations. It being a somewhat chilly night and the Santa Claus suit not providing adequate insulation, my neighbor decided to provide liquid insulation in the form of a brand new bottle of Old Grand Dad. The BIG bottle. He’d take a little sip for every second or third car full of oglers. After a while he took a sip every time we waved. Eventually he was inviting passersby to pull over and join him. I think a few took him up on it. At this point he was well beyond sipping. The next morning as I was leaving for work I noticed him curled up contentedly in amongst the toy bags snoring up a storm. His bottle of liquid fortification was lying on the ground with only the aroma of its past contents remaining. God Bless America.
posted by steve | 9:56 AM
3 Comments:
Guess you don't miss Christmas Card Lane back home, do you?
Your neighbors are much more fun then mine. My neighbors are all right wing, politically conservative and fundamental Christians. When Clinton was running for his second term, they parked their cars in front of my driveway. I believe it was a feeble attempt at humor. Undaunted, I drove across the grass and yelled to them as I left “the pocket of liberalism in Brevard County is heading to the polls.” No one blocked my drive way during the Bush elections. I imagine they had insider information that Florida votes would not count.
Lana
You know Lana, you need to move, that neighborhood creeps me out! In our neighborhood the rowdies go out during the election season and just pull all the campaign signs up and make bonfires - they are great kindling. It's very nonpartisan, they burn republicans, democrats, independents - doesn't matter. OF course the Wild Turkey helps fuel the fire.
When you live in a trailer you are allowed to use whatever it takes to get warm on a cold night.
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